I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
