I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
