forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
