there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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