Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
