even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Randomize
