I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
