I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize