I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
