I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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