i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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