I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
