My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
