ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
