dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
