the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Randomize
