i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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