After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
only if we run a train.
done.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
