My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
