I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
you made out with another girl for some wings
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
