just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
