tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize