There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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