Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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