So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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