woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
