Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
