Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
