You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
