Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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