mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
