I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
