i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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