all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
