Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
