things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
