It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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