just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
