I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
