I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
