...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
