i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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