You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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