Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The uberlube is also flammable
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
