I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
