If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I am spending my child support on dildos
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
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