The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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