god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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