I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
