Can i not drive my cunt home
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
