my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
