I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
