that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
