You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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