On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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