Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
