She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
