My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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