My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
