hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
We were destined to go to rehab together
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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